A Store Credit

NOTE: There is no charge for the extra entendres in the following.

So I got to our local dive (that's it, to the left) for my sure thing tonight (see previous post). I came a little early...I was excited...a little nervous too. I wasn’t sure how to act with a sure thing. It’s not that I haven’t had them before...it’s just got to be different when it’s a whole person and not just your own right hand. Besides, I imagine hookers don’t appreciate guys coming late. They must have schedules to keep like everyone else
Anyway, I thrust myself into the bar and there she was, right where Sweety promised. It was Maggie (not her real name). I’ve known Maggie since she was a kid. She’s Sweety’s grand-niece and a substitute usher and I would certainly not call her a prostitute. She’s more like an enthusiastic hobbyist who has figured out a way to make a little money from her hobby. Sort of like a blogger.
At this point, I knew it wasn’t going to happen. {Ed. note- You’re not supposed to blow it with a sure thing. It’s supposed to be the other way around.} So we just had a drink. She understood how I felt and said she would explain everything to Sweety. I apologized if I was costing her an evening’s income, but she told me she could never charge to have sex with me, I was like family. I had never felt so warm and creepy at the same time. As I walked her home, she told me that if I ever changed my mind she’s available and it’ll be on her and the sex would be free too.
So I guess I, kind of, have a store credit...which I’ll never use...although, I thought the same thing about the Sephora credit I got for the last gift I never got to give to Miss Ex and look at me now...Have you ever seen a more oil free T zone?

Good News/Bad News

Let’s play a game. Sweety came in with some good news and some bad news today. Why don’t you guys try to figure out which is which?
First, her favorite grandson Frankie(as opposed to her three other grandsons named Frankie) is getting out of prison in a few days. Second, she wants me to get the stripper for the party. Normally, that wouldn’t be a problem but my go-to stripper - the one I use for all the “Welcome Home From Prison Parties” - is now my dental hygienist. It’s just typical that I use the one stripper in the world who was actually stripping her way through school. On a side note, having her hands in my mouth is nowhere near as hot as I imagined. Anyway, now I have to start auditioning strippers and I really have to find the perfect one. The first (and only) time Bennett got the stripper...well, let’s put it this way, a room full of guys who have been in and out of prison their whole lives didn’t really appreciate a pretend fireman with his nipples chained to his scrotum. There were chairs flying across the room, then bottles smashed on tables{Ed note-and the boxer shorts tossed at Fireman Joe? A prison gesture of displeasure?}. Luckily for Bennett, my dental hygienist still had a couple student loan payments left so I got her to come over and Bennett rode Fireman Joe into the sunset or until sunrise...I forget which. Anyway, the reaction to a stripper they like too much is a lot less restrained, so as you can see, I really need to make the right choice.
Ok, time’s up. The bad news? It should be pretty obvious. Sweety’s grandson coming home. I mean, do you know how old it makes you feel when your friend’s grandchildren start getting out of prison? It was just yesterday that he went away then, bam, it’s 5-7 years later.
And the good news? Come on,..how can auditioning strippers not be good news?

Trudy, Trudy, Trudy

So a girl shows up at the theater today before work, I’ll call her Trudy (and for simplicity sake I suggest you do the same). She said she was looking for Mike about the job. Being an eternal optimist, I assumed she was responding to my Craig’s List ad for a stripper. I wasn’t sure how she tracked me down, but I thought what’s hotter than a resourceful stripper? Before I had a chance to ask her, she set up her IPOD and started the music. I thought “Tomorrow” from “Annie” was an odd choice for stripper music, but, you know, there are probably a surprising number of guys out there who would pay to see Little Orphan Annie naked.

As nice as her voice was, singing fully clothed instead of dancing naked is kind of the exact opposite of what you want from a stripper. I asked her when the clothes start coming off and she hesitatingly took off her shoes then balled up her socks and tucked them in a shoe. As she neatly folded her cardigan, I realized: #1: she hasn’t missed a note in the song and #2: she wasn’t a stripper.

Turns out she was sent over by my boss (who I’ll call “the Boss”). He likes to try to pick up women by telling them he can get them a job on Broadway. When they realize it’s behind the bar and not on stage they’re out of here like the Road Runner (one girl even included the Meep Meeps) and I, and he, never see them again.

Trudy’s different though. She jumped at the chance to work behind the bar. Said it reminded her of the all female production of “The Iceman Cometh” she did in theater camp. And just like that I have a new bar partner.

For those of you wondering how I’m going to handle working with a chorus girl after my experience with Miss Ex. Well, I’ll have to wait and see, but I appreciate your concern. For those of you not wondering...wow, ouch, what did I ever do to you?

A Strong Chin

I’ve been a little curious, and tonight I found out. Trudy has not slept with the Boss in return for this job and will never have to.

He came to the theater tonight for his monthly envelope stuffed with cash and brought his wife, stuffed with shrimp scampi, who wanted to see the show. His wife is a sturdy woman with a strong chin and a stronger pre-nup. When we went to my office to get his envelope he asked me, with a mixture of arousal and annoyance, why I hadn’t checked with him before I hired the new girl with the great ass. I reminded him that he offered Trudy the job the other day. Now he was stunned, aroused, and annoyed. None of the girls he has hit on have ever taken him up on his offer. So he tells me I have to fire her, because if women are going to take him up on his offer it might as well be the blond with huge jugs he met last night, “If I know what he means” {Ed. Note-I think we all know what he means}.

I tried pleading her case, but the Boss just told me to get rid of her tonight. At that exact moment, Trudy walked in on us. She thanked the Boss for the job and helping make her dream come true blah...blah...blah. He smiled and nodded in maybe the most awkward moment I’ve ever had the privilege to be a part of. Trudy left, and the Boss and I spent a moment trying to convince each other she hadn’t heard what we were talking about. Neither of us bought it.

When we left the office, his wife was at the bar and he panicked. He ran over and started to deny everything -up to and including the Holocaust -when his wife interrupted. She just loved Trudy...couldn’t stop raving about her... ”The best person he ever hired” (I decided the “present company excepted” was implied). She told Trudy she had a job for life and made sure the Boss agreed (sounded to me like she was being sentenced). Apparently all it takes to secure lifetime employment here is a few chin-minimizing make-up tips for the Boss’s wife.

I’d like to think this wasn’t just dumb luck, that Trudy heard us in the office and took action. That would make her a formidable bar partner, but I do wonder who we’re going to get to play Jay Leno at the office Christmas party from now on.